A poem in my current state!

Have you ever:
washed the dishes?
cut the grass?
taken a shower?

The never ending tasks!

Every pill brings me no closer to sanity, but I try them; I take them.
Pharmacological Russian Roulette

Sadness has settled over my heart.
A student of mine once wrote"...and the birds of sadness had nested in their hair."
My heart is that home: coated! Layers of metal make it hard, constrict it, lock it off.
The home of steel spiders spinning their web of containment.
I throw pebbles at the cull of my heart.
Nothing can break through as I breakdown.

A moment of respite is granted as sleep takes my illness deeper.
The ability to smile in the den of a lion.
I touch the teeth, feeling their sharpness, hoping the waking does not bring further attacks.
Can I make friends with their furry beast or will my death be its last meal?

Never!

The pain drops back in, waking the lion whose claws can tear through the fortress, only to tear open the heart and spill my blood.

The weight of sadness, sedating me.  Keeping me from acting.  Holding me down.

Who is awake now?  Who am I?  What is left of the me I remember?  The boy of a thousand smiles lost in the remaining cobwebs of steel.

I hold on to the promise that life will have purpose once again.  The promise that a smile will not be false and a fear will be the exception that makes the rule.


I know it will get better, after all this is life and not a nightmare...

Sick of being sick

I've sent my ship out to sea without someone at the tiller.  I've been sick and my play and classroom have been going on without me.  I am overcome with fear of what I will come back to.  I plan on getting back to the grind tomorrow, regardless of how I feel.  Will I find the ship has crashed against a rock, or will I be able to hop aboard, stretch, and curve my hand around the tiller confident that my crew has kept me facing due north?  The morning will tell.

Sick days are more work than work days.

So both of my daughters have fevers and one of them is teething.  I think this is the challenge that mothers deal with on a regular basis that they do not get enough appreciation for.  I read a book a while ago loaned to me by daddled, in it was a story about how a woman in a check out line at the grocery store said to the author, "You are such a good daddy."  He asked how she knew and she said, "I can just tell."  She saw him buying a few items at the store with a baby on his hip and that was it.  When was the last time a woman was told, "You are such a good mommy," just because she was carrying a baby and shopping at the same time.  Today I gained a better understanding of what it is like taking care of two children under six with fevers and colds.  The tears, the snot, the whining, the refusal to sleep although they require to be on your lap or will throw themselves on the floor.  I wonder if they might fall asleep if I leave them on the floor long enough.  So this blog is dedicated to mothers who do not get the recognition they deserve.

Snowed in without the snow

I had the day off of work today because of a huge storm that was supposed to bring in more than a foot of snow.  My driveway had drifts of about a foot, but most of it was only about four to five inches high.  That being said, I was advised to cancel rehearsal tonight.  It's a tough decision to make and in the past I might not have made that decision, but this cast is full of three very hard workers and I can see them working on their lines tonight and making the time at home well spent (even if that means sleeping and getting prepared to be fresh on Friday).  I've spent the day sleeping and playing with my youngest daughter.  She is creative, intriguing, and very lovable.  I was thinking for a bit this morning about which daughter I love more.  I know that is maybe one of the worst things a parent can do, but my conclusion was strangely satisfying.  I always thought it was crap when parents said they love both children equally.  I remember when Imogene was born, just a baby, not able to interact in any "human" way.  I thought to myself, that she was nowhere as interesting as her older sister.  Today I thought about both of them again and found myself wondering, if I had to lose one of them who would it be.  I couldn't decide.  How different my life would be without either of them.  I live for my family, especially on the days when I don't want to live or get up and experience life.  I keep going because they are alive and need to me.  I would give them anything they need even if it is me living in pain as opposed to ending my life.  Without them, I would probably not be alive today, so I guess I owe them my life.  Who do I love more?  Impossible to decide.  It helps me realize that thoughts and outlooks change without people even realizing it.  I can't remember when I went from thinking that loving two people equally was crap, but at some time, when I was not aware, my consciousness changed.  My brain turned to a whiteout and when the snow cleared my mind was rearranged.  Now if I could only clear the snow in my brain now, I might be able to once again see and think clearly.

Posters and possibilities of snow

So this evening I created a poster for my play.  I spent several hours working on this as I wanted it to have a multifaceted layered look to it.  I also do not have to teach tomorrow as school has already been canceled due to the snow forecast.  So if the snow doesn't come, can the district call everyone at 5 in the morning and tell them to now come to work.  I don't think it works that way.  I'm hoping we don't get hit with much so that I can hold rehearsal, but one way or the other every thing will work out.  Listen to me, ever the optimist.