Sunday, February 27, 2011

A poem in my current state!

Have you ever:
washed the dishes?
cut the grass?
taken a shower?

The never ending tasks!

Every pill brings me no closer to sanity, but I try them; I take them.
Pharmacological Russian Roulette

Sadness has settled over my heart.
A student of mine once wrote"...and the birds of sadness had nested in their hair."
My heart is that home: coated! Layers of metal make it hard, constrict it, lock it off.
The home of steel spiders spinning their web of containment.
I throw pebbles at the cull of my heart.
Nothing can break through as I breakdown.

A moment of respite is granted as sleep takes my illness deeper.
The ability to smile in the den of a lion.
I touch the teeth, feeling their sharpness, hoping the waking does not bring further attacks.
Can I make friends with their furry beast or will my death be its last meal?

Never!

The pain drops back in, waking the lion whose claws can tear through the fortress, only to tear open the heart and spill my blood.

The weight of sadness, sedating me.  Keeping me from acting.  Holding me down.

Who is awake now?  Who am I?  What is left of the me I remember?  The boy of a thousand smiles lost in the remaining cobwebs of steel.

I hold on to the promise that life will have purpose once again.  The promise that a smile will not be false and a fear will be the exception that makes the rule.


I know it will get better, after all this is life and not a nightmare...
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