Thursday, January 27, 2011

Occupying time to stop the mind

So I have noticed that I am constantly working to keep from allowing my mind to be idle.  When I am on a planning period at work I will listen to an audiobook or music while I work.  While my daughters are falling asleep I will read or search the Internet.  I work on plays, I watch movies, I read, I dedicate myself to teaching, but I refuse to sit in silence.  When all is quiet, my mind runs.  It races through the ditches and caverns of my brain shining light.  It is the Gollum who lives there that I fear most.  The little man who has not seen light in so long that his skin is translucent.  He rasps his hate filled words at me, threatening to come out and show the outside world the stranger that no one knows.  Medication has locked him away before, but I am currently trying to find the right key to slide in the lock which is buried in the dark.  While I keep experimenting with the new medications that my doctor practices with, he has free reign in my mind.  I can't lock him up.  One day I'm sure silence will be a respite from daily life again, but for now I just keep it loud enough and filled with enough traffic that his rasp is inaudible.
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